Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
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If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away