BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
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“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????