Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
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Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.