I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
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scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Morning.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.