doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
You Might Also Like
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
I’m a carb girl, born and bread