Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
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[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..