today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
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Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is