Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
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Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
No Google it does not
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”