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The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*