I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
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My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.