“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
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I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Aight bet
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!