“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
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I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
I hate when I鈥檓 cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
This is enough internet for the day.
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it鈥檚 3 v 1 but if you lose, you鈥檙e eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn鈥檛 need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 馃檪
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 馃檨
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug鈥檚 kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.