Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
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Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
🦝🔥🦝🔥
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
TODAY
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?