In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
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If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
What do you hear?
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
no their not
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem