My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
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principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
My whole life was a lie.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
When I snag the last meatball.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”