Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
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Drive as I say, not as I drive.
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
monday
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
good work, detective
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?