Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
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Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?