[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
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HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse