Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
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[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.