Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
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My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
Punctuation Matters. Period.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out