[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
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Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
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My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS