TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
You Might Also Like
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
Yep.
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
#CoronaOutbreak
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
Customize Your Wedding.
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.