[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
You Might Also Like
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.