4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
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[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.