me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
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DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
If only.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
same bro
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.