ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
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Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.