My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
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Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”