Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
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Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
translated into Canadian
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
Cinematography is my passion
my proudest tweet
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
I’ve been learning to cook.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.