My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
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My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong