Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
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Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.