waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
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That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
why I oughta
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
Okay me first
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.