Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
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0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.