it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
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DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.