Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
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Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
This is why I hate group projects
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”