*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
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My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
Best mom ever 😂
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
I think we should hear other voices.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
hi why am I like this
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*