If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
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*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
Found my door mat
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.