Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
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Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same