Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
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they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.