Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
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*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?