ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
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alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
my dad when a sex scene comes on
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
guys i’ve cracked the code
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs