Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
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“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Note to self: I am a note
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
What an awful time to have common sense.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
I think the cat got the dog high.
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things