I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
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My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.