Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
You Might Also Like
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school