*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
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I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
Worth remembering.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.