My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
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If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
it’s either covid or clever vampires
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.