*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
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[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
how much for the angry fruit?
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.