Name this drama.
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[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?