Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
You Might Also Like
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
relationship goals
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.