My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
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[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
Good advice.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):