The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
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To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long